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Chessa Peak

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The Lost and Found: Dear Ambivalent Man

Published by communitypublishingabq@gmail.com on August 25, 2015 2

Dear Ambivalent Man by Chessa Peak

Had you met me a few years ago I would have rode the emotional drag-strip till I burned the wheels off for you.

My heart would have found every excuse to make you mine, that you were the one and that all the pain would be worth it.

I would have pretended that all the excuse you would make were ok and that it didn’t hurt me.

I would have justified your disgraceful and disrespectful behavior to keep our fire burning.

I would have believed that my love would have been enough to inspire the change necessary to keep our relationship healthy.

Every grin and wink I would believe and they would have been enough and would have keep feeding me hope.

Our sex life would have been all the assurance I needed to rationalize the reasons my heart would hang on to love only real behind closed doors.

I would have never seen that your inconsistent behavior would break down my integrity and destroy my sanity and would never have seen how you make me feel unwelcome and blame it on me being crazy.

I would have found our story in the lyrics of every song and cried myself to sleep countless nights.

I would have destroyed my health and beauty for you.

But I’ve been there before, many times in fact. I’ve grown and I see your nature a mile away. I lived front row tickets to the shit show and I see clearly the danger you pose to my growth.

I see that your lack of empathy is not a result of me not trying, it’s about you not being accountable for your poor behavior and actions.

I see that your darkness is your responsibility to integrate into your person because you helped me see that in myself.

I see now that it is a choice we are all capable of making whether to live like we say we want to and I critically scrutinize your actions.

Your excuse making and blaming leave a putrid, acrid sting in the back of my jaw and I can’t help but cringe at your attempt to impress me.

The man who earns my affection will show me he worships my fire without making it a burden.

The man who I give my deepest intimacy to will not destroy my kitchen while making me a bad cup of tea which was given half-heartedly and demand the entitlements of his hard work because he believes he is the best chef on the planet.

The man who I find will not be intimidated by the fierce and beautiful power of my divine feminine. On the contrary, he will flourish in it and nurture it. He will not be afraid to find his strength in mine.

We both have a story and a road traveled that has brought us here but the fact is, the guy sitting at the bar next to you is being an asshole. You don’t care if his dog died, all you know is he’s an asshole.

I’m truly sorry that the pain of your journey still controls you and has left you who you are today.

If I didn’t accept my equal part in the equation I would have never recognized you off the bat. I’ve been forcing your kind to dance with me for far to long. I’ve graciously opened the door to my heart and allowed you to track your muddy boots prints all over it before.

I didn’t know what I was doing then. I didn’t know when I offered you the chance that I would pay with the depths of my being. The emotional longing to be with you still haunts me though I know I would never take that risk again.

I don’t regret who I was. I don’t regret taking the chance. I don’t regret letting you into my world. I’m glad I did and I wouldn’t change my past or who it caused me to be.

The pain you inflicted upon me taught me. The need to defend my sanity to your insanity forced me to see my own dysfunctions. You gave me the greatest gift of all. The strength of 10,000 armies to conquer the emotional torments of hell. Your unseen manipulation shattered me to pieces and caused me to rise. My heart and mind burn hotter and brighter than they ever have. You challenged me to learn from my mistakes. I am now the conduit to the heart of the universe. Thank you for hurting me.

Who you were in my life still aches in my bones but you helped me to remember who I am and what I need, what I want, and what I truly deserve.

So in parting I give you these words.

Dear Ambivalent ManI pray you learn from what you do to women and that you don’t do that to the next heart that gives blindly and unguarded to you. I pray you find the same sight I have. I pray you learn the meaning of the words integrity, honor, empathy, compassion, and respect. I pray that you fully understand and emulate what they mean into the core of your being. I pray you learn to give the way that I did. I pray you receive everything you deserve in this life.

Grateful & Sincerely,
The One Who Got Away

Inspiration

This was inspired by a reading I don’t know where that said to write a letter to those Dear Ambivalent Manwho have hurt you. I believe it was a textbook from a Central New Mexico Community College class. The title of my letter was Dear Ambivalent Man. I recently found another blog at www.elepahantjournal.com which reminded me of the letter I wrote. With the inspiration from Lisa Vallejos, PhD, I was able to complete my letter. I invite you to write your own letters and post them here on my blog. Please share if you need to. I pray for your healing and sight as well.

– Chessa Peak

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Self Deception and self Actualization Chessa Peak has been in New Mexico since the age of 4 and is an honorary New Mexican. A bartender of over 10 years in the Duke City, musician, entrepreneur, and current student at CNM, Chessa is now currently working towards her own non-profit group that will support literacy, art and music programs for Albuquerque residents and her immediate community. Having come through a negative past, her writings deeply reflect the nature of her personal struggles in an attempt to help others overcome their personal battles.

Community Publishing brings local artists of all mediums together in creative collaborations for distribution as multimedia books while promoting literacy in our communities. #JoinOurCommunity at http://communitypublishing.org We are proud to be Marketers for the Rail Yards Market.

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The Lost and Found: Self-Deception & the Need for Self-Actualization 3

Published by communitypublishingabq@gmail.com on July 14, 2015 Respond

Self-Deception & the Need for Self-Actualization by Chessa Peak

Part 3 of a 3 part series. Read part 1 here and part 2 here. 

As humans we make a variety of excuses to justify the bad behaviors that keep us in stasis. It is easier to remain in familiar life cycle than to face the unknown. This could possibly explain why a battered women will stay in an abusive relationships. The need to hold ourselves accountable couldn’t be of more importance in society and the individual today.

The mind and our emotions have the power to consume us in repetitive thoughts and feelings. One minute our emotional mind could be fixed in a state of longing and the next minute you could be thinking about making a sandwich. It is the mind’s disposition to be flighty and chaotic. It is important then to understand that we must hold ourselves accountable to training our minds and safe guarding our inner peace.

Intelligently Emotional

Self Deception and Self Actualization by Chessa PeakEmotional intelligence is, “Knowing ones emotions, managing emotions, motivating oneself, recognizing emotions in others, & handling relationships.” (Goleman p.43). People who understand their emotions as they arise can make better decisions for their lives. Through conscious acknowledge of our emotions we are capable of transcending beyond their sometimes debilitating grasp. An example of this may be the Buddhist teaching of quieting the mind through meditation, acknowledging the emotion when you see it arise and allowing it to graciously fall away in order to be fully present in this exact moment.

Managing emotions is the ability to embrace resilience and move beyond debilitating emotional strife. One could relate managing emotions as having to focus diligently on your trade while experiencing emotional distress at home. Motivation comes from the ability to maintain self-discipline and not act immediately on wants. By removing emotional reactivity one could better focus on what motivates positive change. What a person wants may not always be what is in their best interests. The ability to recognize emotions in others is self-awareness through empathy. Through empathy we are capable of experiencing life simultaneously with those we wish to strengthen connections with. The term metacognition means “to refer to an awareness of thought process” (Goleman).

Through metacognition, self-discipline and personal accountability it is possible to correct negative thoughts and behaviors. Through patience, temperance and empathy is it possible to correct our emotionally reactive natures and embrace emotional intelligence. Change is possible and it is theorized that it takes “32 days to change a habit” (OnCourse p.147) if the individual is willing to hold themselves accountable and has a sincere desire for change. The stronger one has a desire to change, the more motivated they will be to holding themselves accountable.

Views from Within

Despite how we may see ourselves, we are all very delicate creatures. The resources to pull ourselves out of dysfunctional living are all around us. With great discoveries in neuroscience, behavioral science, & technology being revealed more and more every day, we as a civilization have more information and tools available at our disposal than ever before in history. Through kindred spirits we have the gift of companionship and communication in order to grow together.

Without acknowledging the need to become self-aware and self-actualizing, we will remain disconnected from ourselves and left seeking happiness outside of ourselves. Awakening to how we destroy ourselves can be a very painful experience but one of the most beneficial and expansive experiences of our lives. This process should be addressed within the individual and should be viewed through the internal eyes of compassion and empathy for one’s self. Acting out of self-love Self-Deception and Self-Actualization by Chessa Peakwould involve asking yourself in every decision you make, “What would a person who loves themselves do?” (Scott).

To be completely honest with ourselves takes tremendous courage as it may require a person to change everything about how they live to attain true and lasting happiness. Self-deceit can be overcome through self-actualization. Happiness is possible, it’s all a matter of how important it is to the individual.

References for the Lost and Found articles can be found here.
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Self Deception and self Actualization Chessa Peak has been in New Mexico since the age of 4 and is an honorary New Mexican. A bartender of over 10 years in the Duke City, musician, entreprenuer, and current student at CNM, Chessa is now currently working towards her own non-profit group that will support literacy, art and music programs for Albuquerque residents and her immediate community. Having come through a negative past, her writings deeply reflect the nature of her personal struggles in an attempt to help others overcome their personal battles.

Community Publishing brings local artists of all mediums together in creative collaborations for distribution as multimedia books while promoting literacy in our communities. #JoinOurCommunity at http://communitypublishing.org We are proud to be Marketers for the Rail Yards Market.

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The Lost and Found: References

Published by communitypublishingabq@gmail.com on July 14, 2015 Respond

The Lost and Found by Chessa Peak

References

Guthrie, Jennifer, and Adrianne Kunkel. “Tell Me Sweet (And Not-So-Sweet) Little Lies: Deception In Romantic Relationships.” Communication Studies 64.2 (2013): 141-157. Communication & Mass Media Complete. Web. 30 Nov. 2014.

Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books, 1995. Print

Scott, Teal. “How to trust yourself.” Online video clip. Youtube . 14 June, 2014 Web 30 Nov. 2014

“Self-Actualize.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 30 Nov. 2014. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/self-actualize>.

 

“Self-Deceit.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 30 Nov. 2014. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deceit>.

 

Shermer, Michael “What science tells us about why we lie.” Scientific American.  Scientific American Magazine., 18 March 2014  Web 29 Nov. 2014

 

The Lost and Found: Self-Deception & the Need for Self-Actualization 2

Published by communitypublishingabq@gmail.com on July 7, 2015 Respond

Self-Deception & the Need for Self-Actualization by Chessa Peak

Part 2 of a 3 part series, read part 1 here

self-deception and selfThrough conditioning and habit, people learn from each other what is acceptable behavior and what is not. When involved in a humorous story, the parties involved will laugh together. Similarly, when involved with dysfunctional thinking the tendency is to be dysfunctional. The environments people place themselves in dictate their behavior. How we behave in relation to others can also be seen in examples of groupthink psychology.

The idea that like attracts like is also the basis for the concept of the law of attraction. The connections we seek out, whether in groups or individuals, are validations of ourselves offered through the reflection of ourselves in others. When we seek this validation of self externally, it is possible to become a person who seeks their happiness in those around them and not from within. This is especially true for people with low self-esteem or low self-worth. Because they are not happy with themselves, they look for their happiness in others. Through repetition, destructive behaviors become habit.

self-deception and self-actualizationApathy, unwillingness, and excuse making exist due to a lack of sufficient motivation. One then needs to define what motivation means to the individual. Perhaps there is a disconnect in intimacy between two people because one is not properly motivating the other in a loving manner. Like a child not getting what they want, it throws a tantrum. When our wants are not meet we behave in ways that normally we would never act. Grasping for attention, becoming resentful when we don’t get what we want. Which in turn will cause a partner to withdraw their affection. Which in turn causes the other to become more resentful.

Adversely, it is just as common to force an interaction the does not exist or to read more into a situation based on our emotional wants dictating our needs for love, loneliness, communication, affection, and reciprocation such as in the situation above between two lovers. One partner may make a reasonable request that is never met. The person making the request will then try other ways of convincing the partner that they should meet this request. If sufficient motivation is not there for the need to be meet then it will be ignored. This could be because the other person genuinely is not concerned with the need to satisfy any other needs than their own. Once this conclusion is determined the question then should be asked, “Is this situation really good for you?”.

Once locked in the cycle of negative thoughts, we become consumed with doubt, fear, aggression, and aversive tendencies when dealing with the reality of our lives. So what then are some things that contribute to this kind of negative psychological conditioning? In American society, there is no emphasis to understand that negative occurrences are a part of life. On the contrary, we are taught to “let the good times roll” and that not feeling good is bad. This understanding that good feelings should not end has caused a need to be excessive in what feels good.

Excessive Positivity

We immerse ourselves in what feels good even if it is bad for us such as with alcoholism or drug addiction. Physiological conditioning as a result of how we were raised also influences the decisions we make as adults. Subconsciously we are drawn towards people who mirror what we are comfortable or familiar with. Patients who suffer from physiological disorders such as chronic pain, may experience severe mood swings as a result of their condition as well.

References for the Lost and Found articles can be found here.
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Self Deception and self Actualization Chessa Peak has been in New Mexico since the age of 4 and is an honorary New Mexican. A bartender of over 10 years in the Duke City, musician, entreprenuer, and current student at CNM, Chessa is now currently working towards her own non-profit group that will support literacy, art and music programs for Albuquerque residents and her immediate community. Having come through a negative past, her writings deeply reflect the nature of her personal struggles in an attempt to help others overcome their personal battles.

Community Publishing brings local artists of all mediums together in creative collaborations for distribution as multimedia books while promoting literacy in our communities. #JoinOurCommunity at http://communitypublishing.org We are proud to be Marketers for the Rail Yards Market.

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The Lost and Found: Self-Deception & the Need for Self-Actualization

Published by communitypublishingabq@gmail.com on June 30, 2015 Respond

The Lost and Found: Self-Deception & the Need for Self-Actualization by Chessa Peak

Part 1 of 3 part series

Self Deception and Self Actualization by Chessa Peak

According to Merriam-Webster, the term self-deceit is defined as “dishonest behavior meant to fool or trick yourself”. Though the problem of self-deception is rarely publically addressed, the benefits of talking about this relatively undiscussed issue could assist many in seeing the importance of self-actualization. The concept of self-actualization may be familiar to some and completely foreign to others. Acting in accordance with self-awareness is a life skill that many may be searching for to gain lasting happiness and inner peace. So then one must ask themselves the question, “What does it mean to be self-actualizing?” The term self-actualize as defined by Merriam-Webster is “to realize fully one’s potential”. This paper will discuss the consequences of self-deceit and some of the ways people deceive themselves as well as the benefits and need to embrace the concept of self-actualization.

People lie to themselves and each other every day. By acting out of character in order to impress the opposite sex, to lying about personal achievements in order be viewed with admiration, to staying in an unhealthy relationship and rationalizing the ways we believe it to be love, we all lie to ourselves. “All forms of lying—including white lies meant to spare the feelings of others—are associated with poorer-quality relationships” Self Deception and Self Actualization by Chessa Peak(Shermer). One could argue then that the need to lie stems from a deep need to be ok, to be accepted, or that we are better than what we actually feel internally. When we do not act in the best interest of what is relevant and important to ourselves we begin to betray who we are. We rationalize reasons to stay in situations that are not beneficial to our well-being. We tell ourselves we’re ok when we are not. By denying the importance of yourself to yourself, a sense of dissonance and a feeling of being at disharmony with one’s self can grow into a spiral of self-defeating behaviors and attitudes with no seeming end. When a person acts against what they believe is right for them, an internal tension is born. Through self-deceit this tension can manifest as resentment, fear, anger, excuse making, blaming, aversion, and self-hatred. As humans we all learn from the time we’re born to deceive in order to get what we want such as a baby crying when it thinks a parent is near in order to be shown attention. It’s natural to lie but as humans we possess the conscious ability to lie to greater or lesser degrees. So, at what point does self-deceit become self-betrayal?

It is when we begin to believe half-truths, “messages that conceal the whole truth and withhold pieces of information to minimize effect.”(Guthrie) that we begin to betray ourselves. One example of this may be justifying a person’s dishonorable actions against you because you have made a Self Deception and Self Actualization by Chessa Peakdecision to stay in a relationship with them. One could tell themselves, “It’s just the way they are.” rather than insisting on proper treatment that is reasonable and right for them. Another example would be a woman who comes off as angry all the time to her mate. If the woman’s needs are not being meet despite her best attempts, she is living out of harmony with herself because she is living a half truth. This kind of internal unrest will grow into further resentments until the situation is resolved either through separation or mutual acknowledgment and determination to work together to correct the situation. Recognizing the importance of maintaining personal integrity is one way to correct the damage caused by self-betraying thoughts and actions. When you fail to maintain your integrity the effects of self-betrayal will wear deep tracks into all facets of life and can contribute to depression, PTSD, and abusive tendencies. Self-betrayal inevitable leads a person to stop trusting their own ability to make sound decisions for them self. Students are taught that some of the most effective ways of learning are visually and through rhythm and repetition. It is no wonder when we live in dysfunctional environments we become what we keep with.

References for the Lost and Found articles can be found here.

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[contact-form to=’communitypublishingabq@gmail.com’ subject=’Subscriptions’][contact-field label=’Enjoyed this article? Type in your email address to receive similar articles, no ads, no spam, no charge!’ type=’email’/][/contact-form]

Self Deception and self Actualization Chessa Peak has been in New Mexico since the age of 4 and is an honorary New Mexican. A bartender of over 10 years in the Duke City, musician, entreprenuer, and current student at CNM, Chessa is now currently working towards her own non-profit group that will support literacy, art and music programs for Albuquerque residents and her immediate community. Having come through a negative past, her writings deeply reflect the nature of her personal struggles in an attempt to help others overcome their personal battles.

Community Publishing brings local artists of all mediums together in creative collaborations for distribution as multimedia books while promoting literacy in our communities. #JoinOurCommunity at http://communitypublishing.org We are proud to be Marketers for the Rail Yards Market.

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