Dear Ambivalent Man by Chessa Peak

Had you met me a few years ago I would have rode the emotional drag-strip till I burned the wheels off for you.

My heart would have found every excuse to make you mine, that you were the one and that all the pain would be worth it.

I would have pretended that all the excuse you would make were ok and that it didn’t hurt me.

I would have justified your disgraceful and disrespectful behavior to keep our fire burning.

I would have believed that my love would have been enough to inspire the change necessary to keep our relationship healthy.

Every grin and wink I would believe and they would have been enough and would have keep feeding me hope.

Our sex life would have been all the assurance I needed to rationalize the reasons my heart would hang on to love only real behind closed doors.

I would have never seen that your inconsistent behavior would break down my integrity and destroy my sanity and would never have seen how you make me feel unwelcome and blame it on me being crazy.

I would have found our story in the lyrics of every song and cried myself to sleep countless nights.

I would have destroyed my health and beauty for you.

But I’ve been there before, many times in fact. I’ve grown and I see your nature a mile away. I lived front row tickets to the shit show and I see clearly the danger you pose to my growth.

I see that your lack of empathy is not a result of me not trying, it’s about you not being accountable for your poor behavior and actions.

I see that your darkness is your responsibility to integrate into your person because you helped me see that in myself.

I see now that it is a choice we are all capable of making whether to live like we say we want to and I critically scrutinize your actions.

Your excuse making and blaming leave a putrid, acrid sting in the back of my jaw and I can’t help but cringe at your attempt to impress me.

The man who earns my affection will show me he worships my fire without making it a burden.

The man who I give my deepest intimacy to will not destroy my kitchen while making me a bad cup of tea which was given half-heartedly and demand the entitlements of his hard work because he believes he is the best chef on the planet.

The man who I find will not be intimidated by the fierce and beautiful power of my divine feminine. On the contrary, he will flourish in it and nurture it. He will not be afraid to find his strength in mine.

We both have a story and a road traveled that has brought us here but the fact is, the guy sitting at the bar next to you is being an asshole. You don’t care if his dog died, all you know is he’s an asshole.

I’m truly sorry that the pain of your journey still controls you and has left you who you are today.

If I didn’t accept my equal part in the equation I would have never recognized you off the bat. I’ve been forcing your kind to dance with me for far to long. I’ve graciously opened the door to my heart and allowed you to track your muddy boots prints all over it before.

I didn’t know what I was doing then. I didn’t know when I offered you the chance that I would pay with the depths of my being. The emotional longing to be with you still haunts me though I know I would never take that risk again.

I don’t regret who I was. I don’t regret taking the chance. I don’t regret letting you into my world. I’m glad I did and I wouldn’t change my past or who it caused me to be.

The pain you inflicted upon me taught me. The need to defend my sanity to your insanity forced me to see my own dysfunctions. You gave me the greatest gift of all. The strength of 10,000 armies to conquer the emotional torments of hell. Your unseen manipulation shattered me to pieces and caused me to rise. My heart and mind burn hotter and brighter than they ever have. You challenged me to learn from my mistakes. I am now the conduit to the heart of the universe. Thank you for hurting me.

Who you were in my life still aches in my bones but you helped me to remember who I am and what I need, what I want, and what I truly deserve.

So in parting I give you these words.

I pray you learn from what you do to women and that you don’t do that to the next heart that gives blindly and unguarded to you. I pray you find the same sight I have. I pray you learn the meaning of the words integrity, honor, empathy, compassion, and respect. I pray that you fully understand and emulate what they mean into the core of your being. I pray you learn to give the way that I did. I pray you receive everything you deserve in this life.

Grateful & Sincerely,
The One Who Got Away

Inspiration

This was inspired by a reading I don’t know where that said to write a letter to those who have hurt you. I believe it was a textbook from a Central New Mexico Community College class. The title of my letter was Dear Ambivalent Man. I recently found another blog at www.elepahantjournal.com which reminded me of the letter I wrote. With the inspiration from Lisa Vallejos, PhD, I was able to complete my letter. I invite you to write your own letters and post them here on my blog. Please share if you need to. I pray for your healing and sight as well.

– Chessa Peak

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Chessa Peak has been in New Mexico since the age of 4 and is an honorary New Mexican. A bartender of over 10 years in the Duke City, musician, entrepreneur, and current student at CNM, Chessa is now currently working towards her own non-profit group that will support literacy, art and music programs for Albuquerque residents and her immediate community. Having come through a negative past, her writings deeply reflect the nature of her personal struggles in an attempt to help others overcome their personal battles.

Community Publishing brings local artists of all mediums together in creative collaborations for distribution as multimedia books while promoting literacy in our communities. #JoinOurCommunity at http://communitypublishing.org We are proud to be Marketers for the Rail Yards Market.